What if my brothers and sisters don't agree?

One of you lives ten minutes away and does everything. One lives far away and calls with opinions. One says Mom is fine. Old roles come back fast, and within a week you’re arguing about who was always the favorite. It’s hard to stay grown-up about this when you’re scared.

You won’t fix your whole family. You can agree on who does what, and that matters more.

Start with who decides

This gets lost in most family fights, so settle it first.

• If your parent can decide, it’s their decision. Bring them into the conversation. The National Institute on Aging suggests starting with a meeting that includes the older person.
• If they can’t, look at the papers. A durable power of attorney for finances names who handles money. A health care proxy names who makes medical decisions. Being the oldest doesn’t change that, and neither does living closest.
• If there are no papers, state law decides who can make medical decisions, and money may need a court. Our guide to power of attorney explains what to do.

Our important papers list will show you what exists. If nothing does, and your parent can still take part, that’s the first job for the whole family.

Even when one person is named, it’s a good idea to get the family to agree on the plan as far as you can.

Have the meeting

Set up a meeting or a call with your parent and everyone who’ll be involved. It goes best when nothing is on fire, so don’t wait for the next emergency.

A plan for the hour:

1. What does your parent want? Let them go first.
2. What’s needed now, and what may be needed later?
3. Who’s the main caregiver? Many families find it helps to name one person, even before they’re needed, so they can step in right away in a crisis.
4. Who does what? One name on each job.
5. What about money? Say it out loud. It’s worse left unsaid.
6. When do we talk again? Put a date on it.

Stick to what’s going on now and what to do next. The rest can wait, maybe forever.

Split the work by what people are good at

Fair doesn’t have to mean equal. The one who lives closest will always see more of the daily work, so the others need real jobs too. The National Institute on Aging suggests asking who’s best at what:

• Who’s good at finding information and keeping everyone up to date?
• Who’s comfortable with email, texts and apps?
• Who do people call when they need someone to talk to?
• Who’s confident speaking with doctors?
• Who lives close enough for groceries, cooking and cleaning?
• Who likes organizing bigger jobs, such as a move?
• Who’s good with numbers, and can handle bills and insurance?
• Who can step in so the main caregiver can take a break?

The Institute has a free worksheet for dividing up tasks. If some of you live far away, our one-page plan has a place for who does what.

Plans go stale. Check in regularly with your parent and each other, because their needs and everyone’s availability will change.

Keep everyone in the loop

Many fights start because someone didn’t know. Keep a caregiving notebook on paper or online, with medical details, services and phone numbers, and make sure everyone can see it.

If you’re the one who lives closest, a short weekly update can save you ten phone calls. If you’re far away, read it before you offer an opinion.

Be open about money

Money is where trust breaks down, so make it boring.

• Use your parent’s money for your parent’s care, and keep receipts.
• If you hold power of attorney, you must act in their best interest, keep their money separate from yours and keep good records. Offer to share those records before anyone asks. Don’t pay yourself unless the document or state law allows it.
• If your parent wants to pay one of you, use a written agreement first. Payments without one can cost them Medicaid later, and an agreement also shows everyone what’s being paid and why.
• Be careful with joint accounts. The money may pass to the other person when your parent dies, which may not be what the will says.

If you’re doing almost everything

Say so, plainly, and with specifics. “I can’t keep doing this alone” is hard to hear. “I need someone to take the Tuesday appointments and the insurance calls” is easier to act on.

Be honest about what you can and can’t do. The Institute says nobody can be expected to do everything. Read our guide to caregiver burnout too.

If you’re not the one doing most of it

The person doing the daily work may be hesitant to ask. Start by saying how much they matter to your parent. Then ask what would help most, and do that, not what you’d rather do. You might:

• Stay with your parent one afternoon a week
• Pay for or arrange respite care
• Come for a few days so they can get away
• Take over one whole job, such as the bills, so they never have to think about it

It’s normal if you feel guilty, or even jealous of the one who lives closer. Doing one job well helps more than having strong views about the rest.

If someone won’t help

You can’t make a grown brother or sister do anything. You can make it easier to say yes:

• Ask for one small thing, and be specific.
• Offer a list, and let them choose.
• Think about what suits them. Someone who won’t visit may still handle the insurance.
• Send a text if talking doesn’t work.

Some will still say no. Be prepared for that, and try not to let it take all your energy. The Eldercare Locator at 800-677-1116 can find other help nearby.

If you still can’t agree

Try a mediator. A mediator is a professional trained to bring people with different opinions to a decision. The National Institute on Aging suggests one when a family can’t agree on end-of-life care, and the same idea can help with other disputes. In a hospital or hospice, ask about a family meeting, which palliative care clinicians often run.

Ask an elder law attorney what the papers allow, particularly if someone may have to go to court.

Think hard before going to court. The Justice Department says guardianship should be a last resort, because it takes away the person’s legal rights. Ask about less restrictive options first.

If you think money is being taken

A disagreement and financial abuse are different things. Someone spending in a way you dislike isn’t always abuse. But signing papers under pressure, or a person using a parent’s money for themselves, is serious.

If you suspect abuse, neglect or exploitation, contact Adult Protective Services in the state where your parent lives. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911. Stick to what you’ve seen, with dates.

What to do this week

1. Ask your parent what they want, and who they’d want in the room.
2. Find out what legal papers exist.
3. Write down everything that needs doing.
4. Send everyone a date for a call.
5. Take one job off the person doing the most.