I can't keep doing this.

You love them. You’re also so tired that the sound of the phone makes you flinch. Both of those can be true at once, and they often are.

Nobody trains you for this, and nobody gives you a day off. The National Institute on Aging says plainly that the demands of caring for someone can strain even the most resilient person. If you’ve got to the point of typing this question into a search box, it’s time for someone to help you.

If you feel hopeless, or you’re afraid of what you might do, call or text 988, any time. It’s free and confidential, and it’s for anyone in emotional distress. If you’re afraid you might hurt the person you’re caring for, make sure they’re safe, step away, and call someone now. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911.

How to tell it’s too much

Caregivers are less likely to get checkups and more likely to have health problems of their own, so this isn’t only about how you feel. The National Institute on Aging lists these signs of caregiver stress:

• Feeling exhausted, overwhelmed or anxious
• Getting angry or impatient easily
• Feeling lonely or cut off from people
• Trouble sleeping, or not getting enough sleep
• Feeling sad or hopeless, or losing interest in what you used to enjoy
• Frequent headaches, pain or other physical problems
• No time to exercise or fix yourself a decent meal
• Skipping showers or brushing your teeth
• Misusing alcohol or drugs, including prescription medicines

Don’t wait until you’re completely overwhelmed. It’s easier to get help while you can still make the calls.

Get an actual break

Advice to take a bubble bath won’t fix this. What usually helps is someone else being there, so you can leave.

Respite care gives the main caregiver short-term relief, from a few hours to several weeks. It can happen at home, in a health care facility or at an adult day care center. Family, friends or volunteers can do it, and so can professionals.

Here’s what it costs and who may pay:

Where it comes from	What to expect
A friend, relative or volunteer	May cost nothing
A professional service	Charged by the hour, day or week
Medicare, for someone in hospice	Covers most of the cost for up to five days in a row, in a hospital or skilled nursing facility
Medicaid	May help pay
Long-term care insurance	Some plans cover it
Private health insurance	Most plans don’t

Where to find it:

• The Eldercare Locator at 800-677-1116 connects you to local services. Ask for your Area Agency on Aging, and say the words “respite” and “caregiver.”
• The National Family Caregiver Support Program funds information, counseling, training and respite through states. It covers adult family members caring for someone 60 or older, or for someone of any age with Alzheimer’s disease or a related disorder.
• The ARCH National Respite Locator lists local programs, including state programs and adult day centers.
• If your parent is a veteran, call the VA’s Caregiver Support Line at 855-260-3274.

Ask, even if you hate asking

Many caregivers later say they did too much on their own. Here’s what makes it easier:

• Ask for something small first.
• If it’s hard to say out loud, send a text.
• Keep a list of what needs doing, and let people pick.
• When someone offers, say: “Thanks for asking. Here’s what you can do.”
• Expect some people to say no, and try not to take it personally.

Family and friends aren’t the only ones to ask. Tell your own doctor you’re a caregiver, because they may know about local support. A counselor can help if you’re anxious or depressed, and your insurer can tell you what’s covered. Your faith community may help too, and a support group puts you with people who already know what this is like.

If one brother or sister is doing everything, read what to do when you don’t agree.

Your job and your money

Under the Family and Medical Leave Act, eligible employees can take up to 12 weeks of unpaid, job-protected leave in a 12-month period to care for a parent with a serious health condition. Our guide to getting paid to care for a parent covers who qualifies, and when a family member can be paid.

About one in four caregivers are looking after their own children too. If that’s you, the same advice applies, and it’s even harder to follow. A support group may help.

The smallest version of looking after yourself

You don’t have to do everything at once, especially if self-care sounds like one more job. Pick one:

• Book the doctor’s appointment you’ve been putting off.
• Go to bed at the same time three nights this week.
• Take a short walk. A few minutes counts.
• Do one thing this week that has nothing to do with caregiving.
• Tell one person the truth about how you’re doing.

If home isn’t working any more

Sometimes the problem isn’t that you need a better routine. Sometimes the care has grown past what one person can do, and needing more help isn’t a failure. Moving a parent doesn’t end your caregiving, and you’ll need support through that change too. Our guide to when it may be time to move can help you think it through.

If you’re reading this for someone else

If your brother, sister or other parent is doing the daily work, they may not ask for a break. Don’t wait for them to.

• Say how much they matter to your parent, and say it often.
• Offer one afternoon a week.
• Arrange regular respite: a volunteer, an in-home aide or adult day care.
• If you live far away, come and stay for a few days so they can leave. Our one-page plan can help with the rest.
• If they say no, ask again later.

What to do this week

1. Call the Eldercare Locator at 800-677-1116. Say you’re a caregiver and you need a break.
2. Pick one person, and ask them for one specific thing.
3. Tell your own doctor you’re a caregiver.
4. Put one hour on the calendar that’s yours.