Should Dad still be driving?

There’s a new scrape on the bumper, and he says someone must have hit him in the parking lot. The drive to the store takes longer than it should. He’s been driving for sixty years, and it’s how he gets to church, to the doctor and to his friends.

For many older adults, giving up the keys means a loss of freedom. So go carefully. This conversation doesn’t have to start with taking anything away.

What to watch for

There is no recommended age to stop driving. If you can, take a ride with them on an ordinary errand. If you can’t, the National Institute on Aging says to watch for these:

• Crashes, near misses, or new dents and scrapes on the car
• Two or more tickets or warnings in the last two years
• Car insurance going up because of their driving
• Neighbors or friends mentioning unsafe or aggressive driving
• Worry about driving at night
• Trouble with vision, hearing or movement
• Complaints about other drivers’ speed or sudden lane changes
• A doctor telling them to change how they drive

Getting lost on familiar roads, or mixing up the gas and the brake, matters too.

Write down what you and others see, and date your notes. You’re looking for a trend. Specific examples will also help with the doctor, and with the DMV if it ever comes to that.

What to try first

Many of the things that make driving harder can be helped. Most people 65 and older already change how they drive as they age, and your parent may be open to some of this:

• Eyes. The National Institute on Aging says people 60 and older should have a dilated eye exam every one to two years. Check that any prescription is up to date.
• Hearing. If they have hearing aids, they should wear them to drive. Our hearing guide has more.
• Medicines. Some cause drowsiness or lightheadedness, even without a warning on the label. Ask the doctor or pharmacist.
• A smaller range. Stick to daylight, familiar streets and fewer left turns. Avoid highways, rush hour and bad weather.
• The car. An automatic transmission, power steering, large mirrors and a backup camera can all help.
• A driver safety course. AARP and car insurers can point you to one, and some insurers lower the bill afterward.
• A professional assessment. A driver rehabilitation specialist, often an occupational therapist, can do an in-depth evaluation, suggest training and recommend equipment for the car. The American Occupational Therapy Association has a national list. There may be a fee, so ask first.

An assessment also takes the pressure off you. It isn’t your opinion against theirs.

How to bring it up

Most families wait until the driving already seems dangerous, and that’s when the talk gets tense. If you can, start before then.

These tips come from the National Institute on Aging:

1. Do your homework first. Know what rides are available before you say anything.
2. Say “I”, not “you”. Try “I’m concerned about your safety when you’re driving,” not “You’re no longer a safe driver.”
3. Talk about skills, not age.
4. Keep the goal in sight. “I’ll help you figure out how to get where you want to go if driving isn’t possible.”
5. Expect it to hurt. They may get defensive, angry or withdrawn. “I understand this may be upsetting” goes a long way.
6. Take your time. Some experts suggest raising it gently, then coming back to it over time.

If they have a friend who’s already stopped driving and is still getting around, ask that friend to talk with them. It may mean more than anything you can say.

List every place they go

This is the most useful thing you can do. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration suggests a simple list: each place they go, how they get there now, and another way to do it.

Include all of it, not just the doctor. The hairdresser, church, the card game and lunch with a friend belong on the list, because those are what keep a person connected. Don’t judge their priorities.

Its example is a man of 79 who was finding night driving hard and didn’t want to give up his weekly card game. He worked out that he’d host once a month, and on the other weeks he’d bring the snacks and a friend would drive him.

Other ways to get around

There may be more options than you’d think:

• Free or low-cost buses, taxis or ride services for older people, in some areas
• Carpools, or scheduled trips to the store and the doctor
• Volunteer drivers from churches and civic groups
• Rideshare, and delivery for groceries, meals and prescriptions

The Eldercare Locator can find what’s near them: 800-677-1116. Rides in Sight, from the nonprofit ITN America, also lists options at 855-607-4337.

It’s worth doing the math. Once they stop paying for insurance, gas and repairs, that money can go toward rides.

If talking doesn’t work

Try these in order, and tell your parent what you’re doing where you can.

1. Ask their doctor. It can be easier to hear from a doctor than from your own child. Tell the office what you’ve seen before the visit.
2. Ask for a driving evaluation. A specialist can do one, and so can the state DMV.
3. Contact the DMV. In almost every state, a family member can report a driver by writing a letter. Give specific examples of unsafe driving or of a medical condition. The DMV must examine your claims, and your parent may have to retest. Depending on the state, your letter may not be confidential, so they could find out it came from you.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration says to think hard about sitting down with your parent first. Check the rules on the website of the DMV in the state where they live.

If they have dementia

The rules change here. People with dementia often don’t realize they’re having driving problems, so the family has to watch for them.

Some can keep driving in the early stages, on short local trips in the daytime. As memory and decision-making get worse, it stops being safe. The question becomes when, so plan before the signs appear. Our memory guide covers the diagnosis.

Watch for these too: speeding or driving too slowly, sudden lane changes, and taking a long time on a simple errand without being able to say why, which may mean they got lost.

State laws vary. Some states revoke a license at diagnosis. Others allow a driving test. A few require doctors to report a dementia diagnosis to the DMV.

If it’s no longer safe and they won’t stop, someone could get hurt or be killed. The National Institute on Aging suggests:

• Talking about your concerns
• Taking them for a driving test or evaluation
• Asking the doctor to tell them to stop. The doctor can write “Do not drive” on a prescription pad for you to show them
• If necessary, hiding the keys, disabling the car, moving it out of sight, or selling it

After the keys are gone

Stopping driving can mean staying home. Many people worry about becoming isolated, and loneliness has real health risks. So keep working from that list of places. Set up a regular ride to the things they care about, so they don’t have to ask each time. Ask how it’s going, and keep asking.

Give them room to grieve it. They’ve lost something real.

What to do this week

1. Take a ride with them, on an ordinary errand.
2. Write down what you’ve seen, with dates.
3. List every place they go.
4. Call the Eldercare Locator at 800-677-1116 and ask about rides near them.
5. Ask the doctor or pharmacist whether any of their medicines affect driving.