Gifts for your mother-in-law

A gift for a mother-in-law does two jobs. It has to be something she likes, and it has to say “I am glad to be in your family” without making a speech of it. How you do that depends on how long you have known her, so the ideas are sorted that way.

We make one of the gifts below, a family portrait drawn from photos. It is in the section where it fits. The rest are things we do not sell.

If you are new to the family

Stay generous and neutral. The aim is to be thoughtful without guessing at her taste.

1. Flowers, delivered to her. Not handed over at the door, where she has to find a vase with guests arriving. Sent the day before, with a card from both of you.

2. Something from where you live. The local honey, the coffee roaster, the chocolate shop. It gives her something to ask you about.

3. A good hand cream or soap. A quality one, plain scent. Used daily and needs no knowledge of her style.

4. Her son’s or daughter’s childhood favorite, made by you. Ask her for the recipe. Asking is half the gift: it tells her that her way of doing things is being carried on.

If you have been around a few years

By now you know what she talks about. Give to that.

5. The thing she mentioned once. Keep a note on your phone all year. “You said in March you wanted to try this” is the best sentence a gift can come with.

6. A day out with you. Lunch, a garden, a matinee, just the two of you. Put a date on it. Time alone with a son- or daughter-in-law is rare in most families, so it gets noticed.

7. A framed photo she is in. She is often the one arranging the photo, so she is missing from most of them. Find one where she is laughing, print it, frame it.

8. A subscription to something she already buys. Her magazine, her audiobooks, her flowers. A year of it, paid.

If you are close, or there are grandchildren

Now the gift can be about the family she built, with you in it.

9. The whole family in one picture, with you in it. A portrait of the whole family drawn from separate photos: her, her children, their partners, the grandchildren, the dog, side by side with every name underneath. Being drawn into her family picture, by name, says more than a card can.

10. All the grandchildren together. If the cousins live apart, a drawing of every grandchild in a row solves the photo nobody can organize. Each family sends one photo of each child.

11. A book of her recipes. Collect them from everyone she has cooked for, with who asks for each dish. Print one copy for her and one for each household.

12. A standing date. Sunday call, monthly lunch, the first weekend of every summer. Written in a card, then kept.

What to leave out

Anything that suggests she needs fixing: anti-aging creams, diet or self-help books, cleaning gadgets. And anything that takes sides in a family matter, however funny it seemed in the shop.

What to write in the card

Use the name you actually call her. Then one true sentence:

• “Thank you for raising the person I love.”
• “Thank you for making room for me.”
• “We are so glad the children have you.”
• “Your table is my favorite place to be invited.”

If you are still stuck, there are more lines in what to write in a Christmas card.